I don't know if it's the sudden drop in temperature or the lack of sun but lately life has been a little...I guess I could say...lonely. I think we're all prone to those times in our lives when we feel lonely, even when we're surrounded by friends. And no, don't go worrying yourself sleepless about me, that I'm sad or depressed. I just thought that I would share some thoughts that I had yesterday. Walking 2 miles in -15 C weather by myself long after sunset, gave me sometime to think. So here's the story...
I've decided that it's time to go see a hockey game again. Even though the last Russian hockey game that I saw was a big disappointment. You would think these Russians would be fighters..but there were no fights at all. Not that I go to hockey games to see fights...but I think we all enjoy a friendly hockey tussle now and again, know what I'm sayin? :) But I digress...So, I was on way to buy tickets. I went alone because frankly no one wanted to go with me. lol. I mean...who would want to walk 2miles in the frigid Moscow air for hockey tickets? So I got there and realized I had no cash but I thought, "There's always ATMs in the metros." But...there wasn't. I walked outside and saw a bank across the street. "Perfect," I thought. "This is going to be easier than I thought." I walk into the bank and the ATM is broken...of course. I ask the woman if there is another one nearby and she says no. Then I think to my rational self, "Since I'm already here and it took a little while on the metro, I mine as well walk to the arena. It's a big arena...they have big events there...surely they will take cards." I thought this to myself as if trying to reassure myself that this was a good idea, knowing fully in the back of my rational mind that they probably would not take my Visa. But, I walk on. 15 minutes later, I get to the arena. I ask for 6 tickets for 300 rubles for the Ak Bars Kazan game on Saturday (feeling very proud of myself for being able to do this in Russian.) I take out my card and she says in Russian, "I'm sorry, only cash." I think she felt bad for me because she told me their working hours and told me to ask people where an ATM is. At this point, I can't feel my legs and I would rather not walk any more miles. So I ask if there will be tickets on Saturday and she said, "Yes, I think, yes." So, I walk away feeling proud of my conversation in Russian...but also a little degected. I told everyone that I would by tickets for the game and I didn't. This was not a huge deal but seriously, stuff like this happens to me ALL the time. Ask my mom. She'll tell you. My taxes get messed up and now I'm being investigated by the IRS...I accidently get in a car ACCIDENT and the guy sues me for $50,000...I'm sick for one day after my trip to Egypt and the school doesn't let me come back for 2 weeks. I'm forced to go to the hospital 8 times, having blood drawn, samples taken, an ultrasound, and some other stuff...only to find out, when I return to school, that the Russian government no longer pays foreigner's for sick days. That's another story...but it's just an example of the story of my life. Haha..oh man. What a crazy life it is. But back to the first story...so I was walking in the Minnesota-like weather back to the metro. I started thinking. (Keep in mind, I am not sharing these thoughts for you to feel sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me. Also keep in mind that my pity-party self was exaggerating, but I really did think this. Just keep reading.) I started thinking, "This stuff ALWAYS happens to me. Nothing EVER works out. What am I supposed to learn from this stuff happening ALL THE TIME? Here I am again, like ALWAYS...by myself. Not just today but in life I'm always alone. (Note the exaggerations. :) ) I went to college alone. I went on all my mission trips alone. I came to freezing cold Russia all alone. I just wish...for once...that there was someone who always wanted to spend time with me. Someone who I am completely comfortable with and tell them anything." And as soon as these selfish thoughts streamed through my head...my selfishness turned directly into guilt. I heard the quiet voice of the Lord saying, "Well, what about Me?" I stopped...sighed...and felt like an idiot. How could I say those things with God standing there right next to me? It was like I was saying those thoughts out loud and God was standing next to me and I didn't see him there. And he was like, "Hello...what about me?"
God wants to spend time with us. He craves it. We should crave Him to. Sometimes we think these thoughts: Why is life so hard? Why don't I have more money? Why don't I have a family? Why don't I have a husband or wife? But really...when you get down to it...All we need is Him. That is hard for our puny human brains to fully be content with, however. We know this truth, we study it. Maybe your pastor will speak about it on Sunday. We will get teary eyed and nod our heads in agreement. Thank the pastor afterwards and then we go home and balance our checkbooks and think, I need more money. Right?
It's a difficult thing to do. To be completely content in every situation. Paul claimed to have attained it. Job must have mastered it a little. But still, we are human and so were they. The Lord knows this and forgives us for it.
I share these thoughts because some of you may by feeling the same way. Life gets hard or life gets lonely...but He's there. I'm praying that I may understand this idea. I'm praying that you will too. I'm praying that the Lord will bring me contentment...even as I'm about to stand outside in -20 C weather, waiting for the bus. Lord help me. :)
Thanks for reading.
yours, Kristin
